I submitted my formal resignation from the LDS church almost one year ago. Upon me telling her that I had done so, Donna replied in a way that I still don't fully understand.
"I'm not surprised and really, I've been wanting you to do it for some time now." This she said through a stream of tears. She was clearly upset. She wanted me to do it, but she was upset that I had. I was confused. I wasn't confused by her experiencing several seemingly at-odds emotions at once. What I was confused about was that she actually had wanted me to shed my Mormonism in an official way.
The question has run through my head thousands of times since that day last October, Why would Donna want me to reject that which she has tried so hard to get me to embrace? I have a few ideas. None of them very good.
I have thought maybe she felt that once I was without the Gift of the Holy Ghost (BOO!) that I would recognize the error of my ways and search out the light again. This is a possibility as lately she treats me as totally uninspired on matters as trivial as what color to paint the bathroom and what kind of sunglasses to buy.
Perhaps, I have also wondered, She knows in her heart that I was miserable as a Mormon. Maybe she sees the happier person I am out from under the blanket of guilt, shame and blind obedience of Mormonism. Why then wouldn't she see it in herself also and follow me out? That couldn't be it.
A few weeks ago I got an email from my friend Mike that gave me further light and knowledge on the matter. So you know, Mike is in a similar situation to mine. He is, as they say, an apostate. His wife is still a very active Mormon. Our wives are also friends with each other. Mike was perplexed by a request his wife had given him.
"It's obvious you have no intention of going back
to church. Would you please ask to have your name removed?", she had asked him one night out of the blue.
"Are you receiving some kind of heat at church regarding me?" He
asked her. "Is someone bothering you about me? Why are you asking me
to do this?"
"No, no, it's nothing like that," she had replied. "It's just, I got to
thinking, and realized that if -- Heaven forbid -- you were to die, I would not be allowed to marry in the temple again."
I was suddenly struck that Donna likely felt the same way. She was preparing herself to be ready for an eternal mate other than myself. I'm not caught up in the illusion that this would really happen but knowing that she is, this has begun to really eat at me. More and more this past year she has treated me more and more disposable... less permanent.
My worry is not that some other man will take my wife in the holy bonds of eternal polygamy. My worry is in spending this life with a woman who only sees me as a temporary husband. I worry about the fact that she could even see this scenario as a reality.
I am once again asking myself the question, "Why is she even with me?"
Filed under - Donna | Marriage | Mormonism
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