When you use the word suckiest though, it makes it sound nice, somehow.
Sometime in the summer of 2003, Donna and I decided our marriage was irreparable. We had been separated for a few months and I had been attending regular therapy sessions. We both wanted to make it work but it seemed that we were simply too far apart and that there was too much pain between us to ever reconcile.
We brought the kids together at my mother's house, where I had been living during most of our separation, one evening.
"Girls, this is hard to explain but Mommy and I have decided it would be the best thing for our family if we divorced. Of course, I will always be your Daddy and Mommy will always be your Mommy. Nothing can change that, we love you too much for that to change."
The girls cried. They knew this was coming, I'm sure but the reality of it was a lot for them to deal with. Us too.
As we fought back the tears, we explained that this was not their fault and that in many ways, we could begin to move forward not as a broken family but as a different kind of family.
I flashed back to the day my mother and father made this same announcement to us in an attempt to be aware of what my own children were feeling. I remember my first reaction to the news, "Well, if you need the money, I guess you have to do it." I obviously had no idea at that young age what divorce really meant.
I remember feeling relieved though. My parents had been separated on and off my whole life. The most recent reconciliation had left me feeling ill-at-ease, like there was a stranger in the house. Of course, this was because there was. I had felt strongly since then that all I really wanted was for my dad to be gone so my mom could get back to being the mom I remembered.
I felt sad that my children may have been feeling this about me at that moment. But this was not about my hurt feelings. I needed to be sensitive to theirs.
"Does it scare you when Mommy and Daddy argue?"
They all agreed that it did.
"Well this will help Mom and Dad be friends. We won't argue over anything except who loves you guys more."
By now the kids had heard enough. They did exactly what all the "how to tell the kids" tutorials had told us to expect. They changed the subject. They didn't look at us. They acted like little grown-ups, like brave little soldiers.
We wrapped up and didn't belabor the point any further. Now it was time for ice cream and a movie. It was imperative that we showed them that they were important. Important enough to be the new and improved family we promised them we would be. This attitude may have led to our being aware that we could set aside our differences, if only for a few hours at a time.
Obviously, we never did divorce even though we had not jumped to that conclusion compulsively. I feel bad that our children ever had to feel the pain they must have felt that day. On the other hand, now perhaps they have a first-hand example of things getting better after being about as bad as they can be.
As any regular reader of my site knows though, I still worry that there is still too wide a gap to ever fully bridge between Donna and me. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better to divorce, especially now when that are close enough to do it amicably.
Then again, I am always seeing moments of hope and love that inspire me to keep trying. And while we are not staying together because of some false notion that the kids are better off for it, the girls certainly do inspire me to shelve the issues I can't immediately do anything about long enough to enjoy an evening of making sushi or rough-housing.
We're not together for the kids. It seems more like we're together because of them.
Filed under - Donna | Family | Love | MarriageThat was WB primetime good story. Though I know well enough that it is true. I love your family, I think the way your kids admire you and care about you is incredibly tender and priceless. I hope you will always be in their lives.
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Pete, this post was touching. Considering divorce is no easy thing, like some people assume. It's definitely one of the suckiest, most difficult things to go through.
Thanks for sharing.