You think I'm crazy? Me too. We have so much in common!
Sometimes, late at night, I listen to my heart beating. If I allow myself, I can forget that it I am listening to myself live. Then, as quickly as I forgot, I again become keenly aware that it is my own heart beating. It aches. It burns. It is weak under the weight of my sorrow.
In these depths I have, more times than I can count, tried to simply stop living. My life force seems such a conscious and banal effort that I could will it to stop. I could, and would if the choice were mine, simply give up the tedious undertaking of keeping my heart beating.
Filed under - MiscI think I understand a little of how you feel as I often wish (daily) the floor would open up and swallow me whole so I could just disappear. I feel you have put my feelings into words here: [My heart] is weak under the weight of my sorrow.
I am sorry to hear that you are in such a place right now. I know it's hard.
Having the same feelings as you do right now, I feel stupid trying to be a cheerleader or something and say that "it'll get better" and "you can do it!" But it will and you can. I hope you feel better soon and are able to find the love and support you need to lift some of that sorrow.
to leave your marriage, compared to leaving your life? and i'm not being flippant, it's an honest question you have to ask yourself.
some depression is clinical, chemical. some is situational. and either can be episodic. but if this is the sort of thing you think about, often, then you have to ask yourself: my marriage or my life?
and i am so, so sorry you have to choose. this is the worst pain, truly.
...feeling pain means you are alive. that is my story and i plan to stick with it.
the world is more interesting with you in it.
i guess you could just go back to stumbling blindly and numbly with faith - NOT.
you be tough. i am being selfish here but i like to read your posts every day. so stick around dammit.
I often lay around and bitch in my head about just how much life I have in front of me to get through.
I am suspect of those who never have those thoughts at all.
I would love to be able to throw out a witty and pretty and gay ending to this comment, but I have none.
Just empathy.
I think some West Side Story lyrics may have just crept into your comment. Which reminds me...
What's the only kind of wood that doesn't float?
HA HA HA HA.
That is one of those moments where I feel like an asshole for laughing, but do it anyway.
More than once a week I decide I feel like there is no reason to care and I feel the pointlessness of everything. I am not sure someone as lazy as I am and who procrastinates as much as I do is really ever suicidal. I do believe that things change and new circumstances and realities come about. They aren't always better, they aren't always worse. Part of being alive for me is remembering to respect my existence as valuable....every bit as valuable as anyone who ever existed. It's these grandios sounding, self-indulgent sounding thoughts that I entertain to counteract the self-destructive rational ones where I see how bad things really can be. I take comfort in knowing that among other things, you and I share suicidal depression in common. High five bro!?
... made of those of us who have recently wished we could will ourselves to death.
Pills seem to keep that in check though.
And you won't believe me when I say it, just like I didn't when others said it to me, but the world's a better place with you in it.
-Jer
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Come on Pete, there's much more life to live, Beer to drink and posts to be written.
Let's keep that heart going. Some of us need you to know that we're not the only ones out here going crazy.