Oh What A Relief It Isn't

My beer, like much of my life, lacks fizz.

I was eager to get the my first bottle of homemade beer open last night. As the cap clanked to the counter, the bottle stood there silently. As I poured the cold beer into the glass there was no head. No suds. Oh, there were a few bubbles but the stuff was nowhere near fully carbonated.

I was let down a bit. The beer still in the bottles will likely be just fine in a week or so but still... I was really looking forward to the experience being perfect.

I couldn't help but think how very much this was exactly like the previous evening. Substitute a naked Donna for cold, flat beer. Sure, it was beer... and it was cold... but it wasn't the full experience I'd anticipated. One hates to disparage cold beer at first glance but upon further inspection, it just isn't satisfying.

At least I know what to do about the beer. With Donna, I'm at a loss. Perhaps I don't express my feelings well. Perhaps my needs are selfish. One way or the other, I'm dissatisfied and I have no ability to find a solution.

When trying to explain my frustration today Donna gave me her summation of my feelings. "So what you're saying is that you're mad because I was in bed naked."

While technically correct this is just like saying, "So you didn't like the beer even though it was cold." While the coldness of beer is very important, it is not the only variable in excellent beer. Just as simple nakedness is not the single attribute of a quality intimate experience.

I had no response. The depth of my frustration is so much more than that. To have her quantify it in such simple and petty terms was heartbreaking. She simply doesn't understand what I need and I don't know how to help her know what's in my heart.

What I want is a partner who isn't satisfied with simply being technically available, a lover who wants me to love her and understands why I would want more than simple nakedness to satisfy my need for intimacy and romance. I don't want sex to be a task that needs checking off a list, a duty for which one scores credits to be cashed in during a later argument.

So, we repeat the cycle. I will eventually shelve my needs and wants in exchange for peace. She will take that as a sign that I have gotten over my trivial tantrum about her perfectly acceptable behavior. I will maintain the peace by holding my tongue for a few weeks and this will reinforce her false assumption that all is well. Then, one day, after gritting my teeth and tolerating the lack of spark and foreplay for the eighth or ninth time, I will do as I did the other night.

I will speak my mind... my petty, selfish, foolish mind.

Then again, maybe if I just put the bottle back on the shelf, in a few days there will be fizz. In beer and in love, maybe next week, there'll be more head.

Filed under - Beer | Donna | Love | Sex

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"What I want is a partner

Submitted by Amber Lee (not verified) on February 16, 2007 - 9:58pm.

"What I want is a partner who isn't satisfied with simply being technically available, a lover who wants me to love her and understands why I would want more than simple nakedness to satisfy my need for intimacy and romance. I don't want sex to be a task that needs checking off a list, a duty for which one scores credits to be cashed in during a later argument."

That is exactly what you should tell her. It's not selfish to expect real intimacy in a marriage instead of a lie.

Woman needs to open up...

Submitted by Tiggerlane (not verified) on February 16, 2007 - 10:25pm.

Somehow, she is shutting you out...

(Okay...reading that, now it sounds like I'm trying to be funny, but I'm not.)

I wonder if sex and intimacy have gotten all mixed up in her pysche? I can't imagine what it must have been like to be raised a Mormon woman. Women who are much more exposed to the sexual ribaldry that is today's media and general societal behavior STILL have the same types of reactions to their husbands.

I think women should see a marriage as total permission and a FREEING experience.

Still thinking more on this one. As willing as you are to work this out, and thinking she's also not happy with this tension - there MUST be a solution.

Sorry to hear about the flat beer

Submitted by D-Day on February 17, 2007 - 10:42am.

Sorry to hear about your frustrations with the wife. I don't envy your position.

About your beer, I was cautioned about this when I opened mine yesterday. According to what I was told, flat beer is a common wintertime occurance because basements get too cold in the winter for the yeast and they go inactive. It's been colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra here (Ohio). All is not lost, though. Take it out of the basement and store it upstairs where it's a little warmer, if you can. If not, I guess covering it with a blanket might do the trick. If it is colder than about 66 degrees it needs to be moved. I had mine sitting close to the basement wall and moved it in towards the middle of the floor because it was to cold. It carbonated at about 68 degrees and came out fine. Next, take each bottle and turn it upside down so the yeast re-suspends. The sediment will clear from the bottom. You may have to shake them a little (not too much I was told!). Let sit another week.....Voila! You should have head (for your beer) and carbonation.

OK off the soap box. Good luck on the wife and the beer.

Women and Men

Submitted by danny on February 17, 2007 - 5:20pm.

I feel bad for ya, man. I know you have a lot of good life there in that home and marriage, though I think that some key components not functioning can really make things tough.

I understand exactly what you are saying. Feeling like my desire for love and intimacy is a household chore would be humiliating. Getting the sexual need taken care of is a benefit, not the purpose of making love.

How is this man-woman relationship thing supposed to work? I find women dismaying and incredibly frustrating sometimes. I love them, they are my only hope, so I keep trying.

I want to feel loved and desired and accept by a woman and I'd like to help her or, at least, not inhibit her from feeling free, open and fulfilled by sexual relations. Though I don't want her to feel so free and open that she violates my trust, breaks my heart or puts my health at risk by lying to me and cheating on me. Am I asking too much?

I am only at the bargaining table because I want to be a true, faithful and conscientious lover without letting anyone walk all over me.

When I think of Pete's Dad's "old- school" method, it's something more like..."Get your own needs met and let the bitches sort out their own feelings and problems"...even if it means going from woman to woman as the honey sours. This is my perspective and opinion only, from my few visits with your father.

So what's the new bargain? Is it the same old one? Men carouse slovenly trying to fill the void and women keep secrets about their real method of fulfilment (other men or even women, hardware?) or perhaps Men and/or Women opt to live in unfulfilled misery? Are we designed for 1:1 lifelong relationships? This is the assumption from which I am departing, is it flawed reasoning from the start? Am I sick of rhetorical questions?

Romantic Getaway?

Submitted by FFG (not verified) on February 18, 2007 - 8:15am.

I would guess that when you first got married, your relationship was quite thrilling. Kids, stress, and life in general are very distracting. I think a lot of women need to feel a special closeness in order to get in the mood for intimacy. Have you thought about a second honeymoon/ romantic getaway? Perhaps, getting away from everything and just being able to enjoy some time with you will remind her how much she used to like being a little wild. ...just a thought.

Head

Submitted by Simeon (not verified) on February 18, 2007 - 1:00pm.

That may have been the most perfect end to a post I've ever read.

Here's to hoping there's more head!
Cheers.

Everyone..

Submitted by Pete on February 18, 2007 - 6:57pm.

Everyone,
Thanks for your warm and insightful responses. I am overwhelmed that anyone is the least bit interested.

I'll post more about this on Monday... Stay tuned.