A Hundred Channels And There's Still Nothing To Watch On TV

General Conference is once again upon us with its parade of old farts dusting off their haggard, antiquated messages of obedience, rule-following and doing-as-you're-told. Why it seems like it was just six months ago that I had to endure the crackly voiced audio sedatives echoing throughout the house from every TV and radio.

All this while I'm forced to watch NBC sports in old-school standard-def resolution on the local UPN affiliate because church-owned KSL is broadcasting Boyd K. Packer in 1080p. Like I need 16:9 aspect ratio and 2,073,600 pixels to hear him tell me how bad I am because my arms can reach my penis. But golly won't the organ sound nice in 6.1 surround sound. The organ in the Conference Center, not the one my arms can reach... perverts.

I guess I should ease up. I'm sure the leadership of the LDS Church has probably had just tons of new revelations straight from Jesus Christ himself they are just busting to share with us. I mean, they have that weekly board meeting with the Big Man himself every Thursday. Their colostomy bags must be overflowing with the latest news from the upper rooms of the Salt Lake Temple. Important and ground-breaking stuff like... "gays are bad", "women, we know you all feel second-rate but trust us, God thinks you're s'special and s'sweet." and "seriously, gays are bad." Oh, the joys of modern revelation. We thank thee, oh God for a prophet to guide us in these latter days.

What with all the war and famine and everything, it's a real blessing to know we have the mouthpiece of God directing the Lord's real estate ventures and broadcasting conglomerates. I feel so at-peace knowing that if I just pay my tithing and go to the temple everything will be OK.

"What about war in the middle east", you may be tempted to ask?

Pff. God has more important matters to attend to like... hmm... let's see... I don't know... the Boy Scout program and making sure only approved music is used in sacrament meeting. Oh, let's not forget earth shattering revelations like, "don't talk dirty to your spouse in the bedroom". Yah, that'll feed the starving children and spark world peace.

So, folks, as you listen to the words of the prophet this weekend just remember to ask yourself, "does any of this nonsense strike me as the sort of thing a kind, loving, all-knowing God would give a shit about?"

If the answer is "no", change the channel. Or better yet, mow your lawn and enjoy a cold one in the sun. You'll find that to be infinitely more useful and inspiring.

Filed under - Mormonism

<< previous - Living On A Sympathy Diet | Generally Medicinal - next >>

Revelate This

Submitted by Steve-O (not verified) on March 30, 2007 - 1:32pm.

Ya I recall as a youth always wondering when some real modern revelation was going to come our way. Something besides at what age you should start going to dances and dating. I had always heard that part of the BoM was sealed to later be translated in the last days. Well I keep hearing that we are living in these uber wicked last days. So where is it already?!? I would like to see them pass of a new book of scripture without showing anyone the source and get everyone to believe it. Or I bet the big man upstairs is so pissed with all of this sinning he is about to pull a modern Sodom on us. Just take out a whole city. Like Vegas is a good one. I would really hope that those who are religous don't think that Katrina was exactly said act. Bad weather, global warming, running out of fossil fuels, yup, this is a good old fashion smiting. Eat, drink, and be merry right?

-Cheers

"...we know that deliverance is nigh..."

Submitted by andrew (not verified) on March 30, 2007 - 3:37pm.

From the mightiest of modern plagues, yea, even gayness. For methinks me saw, even in the midst of great banality and asininity, one mighty and wise and old, leading his people out of the darkness caused by multiple ear piercings, tattoos, and butt-sex. Yea, even hot, man-on-man-on-man butt sex. But not lesbian sex; for verily, thus saith the Lord, two men shall not lay together, but two, even three women shall, and shall do so for the benefit of the Lord's mouthpiece, even Gordo.
On a related note, thus saith the Lord, shop at my new and everlasting commercial developments, if ye reject not the light. For behold, for this cause have i worked a mighty work and a wonder - to bring my people to Zion, for to buy their Sharper Image and Brookstone shit. Yea, even useless shit, like shiatsu massage chairs and old-timey radio-look-alike CD players. For verily, in the shadows of mine house shall they, the nations, buy their shit.
And thus spake the Lord in the 123rd General Conference from the relatively new Meganacle, built to replace the Oldnacle, which has just been beautifully refurbished for no apparent reason since it is used, like, never, even at, not in, Salt Lake City.

OMGz!!

Submitted by Steve-O (not verified) on March 30, 2007 - 4:09pm.

You are truly inspired by the divine light!! We are so fortunate to have such a holy man in this dispensation of time. Now let us all eat of the Big Macs and drinketh from the river of Cola. For I have seen the great mini malls and it was good.

LMAO! Oh, Poor Pete...

Submitted by Caryn (not verified) on March 30, 2007 - 10:48pm.

I will be shopping this weekend in the most wonderful little Norse fishing village, partaking of their delicious alcoholic beverages and eating their scrumptous baked goods.
I'm not trying to rub this in or anything...
I will think of you the entire time. Really.

~Caryn :)

Question of Mormon opinon

Submitted by midway (not verified) on April 1, 2007 - 4:23pm.

I've been reading John Krakauer's book "Under the Banner of Heaven" and was wondering how this book is viewed by mainstream Mormons. Obviously the book is about the polygamist fundamental factions but it has to describe how they came to their beliefs. Scarey!!

Honestly...

Submitted by Pete on April 1, 2007 - 10:32pm.

Honestly, I don't think many mainstream Mormons have ever even heard of Krakauer's book. Even fewer have read it. Of those who have, I would guess, a very small percentage give it much credence.

Too bad

Submitted by Midway (not verified) on April 2, 2007 - 11:30am.

Too bad. I have high regard for Krakauer's objective writing based on his previous book "Into Thin Air" about the '96 Everest tragedy. He appears to describe the history of the LDS church consistent with other references.

I have had a coworker who is very Mormon and recently was appointed as Bishop in his ward. I knew practically nothing until he revealed bits and pieces of his faith, i.e. the under garments. Fortunately, we get along fine because I made it clear that if he didn't proselytize I wouldn't have a problem. Karkauer's book has now explained the importance of the trips this coworker and his family have taken to Missouri, Illinois, Ohio and up state New York.

I have always had a mistrust of organized religion, but LDS church tops the list. I hear many people talk about how nice the mormons are, but at what price?

Happy Fun Ball

Submitted by clint on April 2, 2007 - 11:03am.

I once went to a cool art installation set up during Conference weeked. Basically it was a series of sculptures behind veils and throughout the entire exhibit there was the droning sing-song of the average conference speaker played over 15 loudspeakers spread around the installation. You know the cadence: DAH DAH DEE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. DAH DAH DO DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Or as Gordon B. said at the funeral of Benson: "YOU MAY LINGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR."
I swear his linger lingered about 20 seconds.

--------------------------
http://www.signifyingnothing.com/clint