Not a word from the theater today. They never write. They never call... Perhaps they don't need me after all. It's just as well though. I'm not completely sure I really want to jump back into the game like this anyway.
Though I've filled-in on literally two hours notice for shows I've never seen, this time I'm a little scared. As I think about it I am coming to the realization that being on stage generally, and bailing out for diva actors who leave in a huff specifically, has always scared me. I just never noticed before because I was always going to great lengths to numb my fear with some medication or another. Usually by getting my hands up a skirt. Or drinking heavily. Or both.
Now, left alone with what is probably a totally understandable level of anxiety about a pretty stressful situation and basically no medication, I'm scared. It makes me wonder if I can still perform with abandon and confidence as I once did or If I'll freeze up and wet myself.
Good medicine would probably be to man up, get my ass on stage sans medication and learn that I have that confidence in myself somewhere. I would be the better person for it. Doing that however runs the risk that I would just default back to the easy and familiar track of acting out to mask my anxiety.
My instinct is to say, "thanks, but no thanks" to this particular opportunity. The thing is though, I feel some kind of obligation to say yes. Maybe not an obligation... an expectation. I feel that this is just the sort of thing everybody anticipates I would do if asked and that if I don't, I'm somehow not living up to my defined identity or something.
I really do want to make performing on stage a part of my life again at some point. I just want it to be a more normal situation. One where I see a show I'm interested in, I audition, a role is offered and we rehearse and perform the show. This whole deal where I sit around and wait, wondering if I need to start scrambling to learn the lyrics, music, lines and blocking so I can come in and never meet expectations is all a but much.
I just feel that, at this point, I can't say no. I guess that's why I'm glad they haven't called.
Filed under - EntertainmentI agree with Liz. I work in theatre myself (backstage) and although I'm not an actor, I've worked around them long enough to know that this situation will most likely lead you to discover more about your stage self. It might also be a great opportunity to just dive right in and do it rather than rehearse and over think for weeks while you find out how you function without said distractions. My two cents! I hope it works out!
Oh, HELL.
I spent forever on this freaking comment (As I actually can relate and respond in an educated fashion versus when you post about beer and I go, "DUH".). It got eaten. :(
Anyway.
I understand. I hope it works out how you need it to go. I had comments about diddling and actors but they are lost to the ages now, dammit.
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Chances are you will be no different on stage now than you were then; its just that you will be more aware of whats going on around you without those other "distractions" getting in the way. Actually, you might even find out just how good you really were/are.