We're still working with Megan on her grades. She's got her phone back and friends aren't totally off-limits but homework is the top daily priority. Every day we remind her to follow-up with teachers about missed work, extra credit and anything else she can do to raise her grades.
"B's or better", is our mantra. "Or no dance, no friends, no phone."
It's not that the grades themselves are actually that important. A C here or there isn't going to threaten her future. Hell, I dropped out of high school and it didn't completely ruin my life. Not that it made it any easier but that's a whole other post.
It's what the sudden drop-off in performance. The nearly immediate distraction having a phone and a boy in her life did to nearly every other part of her life. Threatening and punishing her is not an attempt to crush her socially. Nor are we trying to make grades a measurement of her worth. What we're trying to avoid is the kind of behavior that leads to a pattern of failure.
And she knows the threat of losing her social privileges is real. As demonstrated by this SMS exchange yesterday:
HER: What would you say if i brought home my report card and had a c in math and history and b's and a's in everything else?
ME: I'd say you need b's or better.
HER: What about a c in math. mom said that would be ok.
ME: Get them as high as you can. Aim for B's
HER: Ok
"Aim for B's". I have a feeling that if there's really a movie of your life played after you die that will be the title of mine.
Filed under - FamilyI am so glad I have a boy. It will hit him too, but so far at 16 the whole girl thing hasn't caught on enough to ruin his grades or make him do anything too stupid. Remembering myself as a 13 year old girl, you are doing a great thing with Megan. You know she can do better and it's okay to expect that - you'll be supportive as long as she's doing her best.
De-lurking to say BRAVO.
We are having a similar experience with my 14 y/o niece, who up until this summer was a saint of a kid. My brother died in June, so once she started school she attached herself to a boy. An asshole of a boy. Who did not deserve the pedestal she placed him on. Everything about her changed--the makeup, the clothes, the way she spoke, the music she listened to, her plans for the future (from "I want to be a vet" to "I want to settle down and have a family"). And this is even without, um, bodily relations. We didn't want to find out what would change if they were alone long enough to do some real damage. Her mother and I got together last weekend and compared notes (about her behavior, language, and above all: her DAMN MYSPACE), and it was not good. So her mom made her break up with the little jerk. And while I know that in itself does not make everything better, we are hoping that it helps. 14 (or 13) is too young to know how to have a boyfriend without losing themselves. "What we're trying to avoid is the kind of behavior that leads to a pattern of failure."--that sums up parenting a teenager. And no matter how many times you tell them you're doing this for their own good, so that the small indiscretions don't turn into sex at 14 and a teenage pregnancy (and dropping out of school, not following through with college dreams, yada yada, you know the drill), they hate you for it. Thanks for this post. It made me feel better about going covert on her to get the idiot boyfriend out of the picture.
BTW, Megan will think back as an adult and say, wow, I was so lucky to have involved parents.
Thanks again :)
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i wish i had that. trying to nix the pattern of failure. encouraging to reach for the stars even though maybe right now you are only in the place to reach the top of a tree. my parents never did that. they told me a 3.8 wasn't what we immigrated to the US for and that 2nd place was not 1st place and that I was worthless. I HATE THEM. Don't become one of those assholes.
xoxo